eating for two

Today I’m eating for me of course, but I’m also eating for Wayne.   Wayne is…was my often partner at the San Francisco company where I do a lot of freelance remotely.   His last day is Friday.  Since I just can’t bring myself to fly 6000 miles to attend his going away lunch,  Wayne and I decide I’ll eat a bunch of French stuff for him over here and chronicle the deliciousness.  So I take a stroll through the Antibes Marche Provencal to find some goodies.

I start by raising a mojito macaron to Wayne’s new job.   It’s surprisingly good–tart but sweet with a subtle whoosh of mint.   Damn, I’ll have another.   Oh, make that four.   It’s for Wayne.

Wayne is experiencing a bit of a sugar rush so I race past all the gorgeous fruit and vegetables (you can get them anywhere) towards the Socca oven that’s up and burning at the other end of the Marche.   Yes, Wayne must have a socca.   It’s distinctly from this part of the world!   Socca is basically a crepe made from chickpea flour, water, olive oil and salt and it’s much better than it has a right to be, especially with a healthy shot of black pepper.   It’s a specialty of Southeast France and the Ligurian Coast of Italy.   It’s like a tidy falafel.    It’s a particularly good choice if Wayne happens to be on a gluten-free diet.

Next up, the Grande Aioli lunch.   Very South of France.   Very traditional.   It’s basically boiled cod and vegetables with an aoili dipping sauce.     It would be very healthy if Wayne didn’t insist on slathering it with the aioli.

Now I figure Wayne could go for something sweet, so I pick up a pack of the nougat that is popular here and in Provence.   I get the multi-flavored assortment to try all the nougaty essences.   It’s sort of a sophisticated version of Turkish taffy.    While there’s a similarity, it’s not as sweet and much more, as the package says, “tendre”.   Also, the flavors are more subtle and natural tasting.   The roasted almonds are a nice touch.   I get another pack for Wayne to enjoy later.

As I make my way out of the marche, all the people selling cheeses, olives and tapenades invite me to sample their wares.   I’m kind of full, but it’s a good opportunity for Wayne to try a lot of delicious Provencal products for free.  He particularly enjoys the the sundried tomato,caper, anchovies, basil, garlic tapenade and the brebis cheese.

As I stagger food-drunk through the old town, I make my customary stop at the window of the bakery and ogle the michettes.  Only today, I go inside and order an assortment.   For Wayne.   They’re yeasty little rolls filled with all kinds of savory things.   Onions, saucisses, chorizo, tuna, spinach, ratatouille, several varieties of cheese, etc, etc.   You could definitely make a well-balanced meal out of them.   The chorizo and chevre ones are particularly good.

I’m not sure if it’s me or Wayne, but one of us is starting to feel a little sick and needs to lie down.    On the way home, I can’t help noticing a beautiful little cake in the window of another bakery.

I start thinking that we really haven’t had any fruit and this cake is full of fresh strawberries.    On the other hand, it’s a little pricey, I’m pretty stuffed, and I think I’ve fulfilled my going away lunch commitment.   But it looks so delicious.

Then it hits me.    I think Wayne’s birthday is coming up.   So I buy it.   Anything for Wayne.

my latest sources of intense sensual pleasure

Ulti Jus d’orange, pamplemousse et frambois. 

Nectar of the gods, I tell ya!   Monoprix makes one that’s equally delish under the “daily monop” label.    And not terribly easy to find outside of big cities.   So far, I’ve only encountered it in Paris, Nice and Marseille.   It’s fresh and so good you want to savor it like a fine wine (or in my case, chocolate milk).   With every sip I take, I’m boggled by its deliciousness anew.   I think there must be something in it like crack.

A friend of mine tried it when she was visiting France and is showing signs of a burgeoning addiction.   Now when she calls me, her first question is “are you drinking that juice?” her voice thick with desire.     She’s now planning to retire here, in part, I believe for this juice.

Domaine Ramateulle 2010 Rose

I am by no means a wine connoisseur.   In fact, I never been a big wine fan.   Until I met rose (with an accent over the “e” — someday I’m going to have to figure out how to do a accent grave on my computer).   I always thought they were the white trash of wines, but boy was I wrong (well, either that, or I have white trash taste).   They’re dry but refreshing.   Light, but fuller bodied than white.   They’re jush desilicious.

So far, this is my favorite.   It’s hauntingly good.   I find myself thinking about it at various points during the day, looking forward to the moment my lips touch its cold, dewy glass.  And the best part is, it not only tastes ambrosial, it gets me drunk!    I never want to be without it ever again.

Sun dried tomato/anchovy tapenade

I can’t vouch for all of them, since every recipe is different (and they often have different names such as bagnattou, or croistillade.”   I’m in love with one at the Antibes Marche Provencal that has olives, sun dried tomatoes, basil, anchovies and god knows what else.  They call theirs “bagnattou d’angele”, which seems apt.    Everytime I eat it, I’m surprised at how utterly freaking good it is.   I find myself having it for dessert.   Who knew something without chocolate in it could be so addictive?

Rotisserie chicken from a truck

I have yet to eat a chicken as perfect as those from a truck in France.    I don’t know if it’s that the chickens are better, or fresher, or better prepared but dang, those are good chickens.   Perfectly seasoned, moist, flavorful.   I have sought tastier chickens all over the world and have yet to find one.   Particular kudos to the hot guy and his pretty wife at the Vidauban market (not pictured here).   The best of the best, IMHO.

Oreillettes de Languedoc

I happened upon these babies while waiting in line at Monoprix to pay for my Ulti jus d’oranges, pamplemousse et frambois.   They’re one layer of pastry drizzled with lemon juice and sugar.   I ate the entire box in an hour an am now planning to go to Nice first thing in the morning to stock up on more (I’d go right now, but it’s Sunday).   I guess they’re a specialty of the Languedoc, which is making me consider moving there.

Meil de lavande from La Maison du Miel in Vidauban

I always thought honey was honey.   And lavender honey just sounds like so much BS.   So when Gilli told me people travel from far and wide for this honey, I took it with a grain of salt (or pollen).

Well, over here they have honey degustations (the next gourmet preoccupation?) which I’m glad to take part in (hey, free food!).   After tasting honey from across the land, I’ve come to revise my thinking.   Honey is not honey, and this stuff is amazing!!!  I wish I could describe what it is exactly that makes it taste above and beyond every other honey–a subtle hint of spicy-ness?  The round, almost buttery depth of flavor?   Yes, it’s a miracle honey.   I think it probably cures illness and eliminates wrinkles when applied topically.

Produce

Holy shit!   So this is what these things are supposed to taste like.

macarons I have known and loved

My love affair with macarons began on a rainy afternoon in Paris four years ago.   It was a chocolate macaron at Dalloyau that was so perfect, so dark, so rich I became obsessed.   I would only eat the chocolate ones for fear of being disappointed by a lesser flavor.

When I moved back to California, I tried to substitute them with cupcakes, but quickly grew bored.   I tried desperately (sometimes on a daily basis) to recreate the perfection of that chocolate macaron in my kitchen, and failed miserably every time.   Now that I think about it, I really had no choice but to move back to France.

When I returned, I vowed to try every flavor.   I figured that given all the macaron colors I’ve seen in Paris patisseries, it will take awhile before I get to the flavors that sound really disgusting to me (fois gras, for example)

One thing I learned quickly is that the assortment of flavors of macarons you can find in a particular village or ville is directly proportionate to the number of people who live there or visit.   Vidauban, with a population of approximately 10,000 really offers a selection of six flavors:   chocolate, pistachio, lemon, vanilla, coffee and strawberry.   After sampling all Vidabuan has to offer, I began to travel further afield to broaden my horizons.

Once again, it’s in Paris where I’m able to rediscover that total bliss I experienced with that first chocolate macaron, not once, but twice in one day:   First, by the Bon Marche food hall, La Grande Epicerie Paris (how I love that place) rhubarb and vanilla macaron…OhMyGod…and later that day by Laduree‘s caramel beurre de sale…OHMYGOD…   The Laduree Cherry/almond macaron is a close third.

I’m partial to the macarons that don’t have jam fillings.   I prefer something creamier like ganache, nougat or caramel.   Jam seems so common, like someone grabbed a jar of Smuckers and slathered it on.   Even a curd or paste will do.

A quick note toLaduree:   Yes, your store is beautiful.   Yes, your macarons and packaging are to die for.   But why can’t I take a picture in your store?   It’s not like you’re the freaking pentagon, for godsakes.

A note to places who sell very expensive macarons and yet when you buy four, they get shoved into a little prissy bag that will get your macarons crushed if you were to carry them any distance: put ‘em in a box!!!!   I’m talking to you, Jean Luc Pele.   Do you think these flimsy bags are going to get these macarons from Cannes to Antibes unscathed?   And while we’re at it, Laduree, anybody who spends 10 euros on four macarons deserves a box, carrying case or jeweled encrusted chest with built in refrigeration.

There are two macarons vendors with excellent selections in Antibes who concoct these nifty little carrying cases from the larger casings.   I want to bedazzle one, put a strap on it and carry it everywhere so I’m always prepared for an unexpected patisserie event.

So far, here are the macarons I’ve tried and a review of whether or not the flavor works for me in macaron form or not.  Basically they fall into 4 categories.

• ****OMG i will spend the rest of my life trying to recreate this experience.
• ***this is really good.   I’m not obsessed, but I will want to have another..
• **Good.   Been there done that.
• *Ewww, this is disgusting.

***lemon (citron)   I have yet to have a citron macaron I didn’t like.

***mandarine  I feared it might taste like cough medicine, but it was pretty dang good.   I’m not obsessed, but I’ll definitely have another.

***yuzu   Very good.   Citrusy with this tantalizing whiff of something good.   A rare example of a slightly perfume-y flavor agreeing with my taste buds.

**bergamot   Bergamot is weird.   It’s a citrus, but it’s more perfumey that it is citrusy.   Twice I’ve had a bergamot macaron and promptly forgot what it tasted like.

***chocolate   What’s not to like?

****rhubarb vanilla:   There it was behind the counter at Bon Marche epicierie.   It wasn’t the brightest macaron, but something about it spoke to me.   One bite and it was all over for me.   Bliss.   Perfect combo of sweet/tarte/creamy/crunchy.   I may never see another rhubarb vanilla macaron, but I’ll always remember the brief time I had one.   I’ll live my life as it never happened but deep in my heart, around every street corner, in every window a vague wish will flicker through my heart — that another rhubarb vanilla macaron will be there, waiting for me.

***chocolate noir  What’s not to like?

****caramel beurre de salle I pledge thee my troth.

***coffee (cafe):   Come to think of it, maybe it’s only two stars.   Oh I don’t know.   It just seems unsophisticated to not like the coffee flavored one.   Whatevs.

**lime (citron vert):   maybe it was the patisserie (Jean Luc de whatshiznosis cannes)

**mint (menthe):   It’s kind of a two and a half.   I’ve had one I loved and one that was okay.   The one I loved will induce me to get another.   I won’t take it over a beurre de salle or even ginger, but it’s not bad.

**vanilla   good, but I don’t really need to have another unless someone tells me that so and so makes the most delicious one in the whole wide world.   Or they add rhubard.

**strawberry (fraise)

****cherry almond (griotte amande):   Oh laduree, I will put up with your slightly snippy sales girls and high prices for little miracles like this.

***pistachio (pistache) Anything pistachio is good.   But when you get right down to it (and I’ve given this a great deal of thought), I’d rather have pistachio ice cream than a pistachio macaron.

**cherry (cerise)

**chocolate banana

**cassis

**champagne   Here’s the thing.   It tasted more like roses than champagne.   I don’t like eating flowers, so it’s not my favorite.   But I wonder if he gave me the wrong one?   It’s really pretty pink with a slight golden glow.   May have to try again.   I like champagne.   I even like roses, i just don’t like eating them.

***gingerbread (pain d’epices)  This is really good.   Like three and a half stars good.   Kind of like a pumpkin pie only better.  Really, really, really good.   I wonder if the store is still open….

**raspberry (framboise)

**blackberry (mure)

***passionfruit chocolate   I’m not sure if I like it or hate it.   It’s intriguing, possibly because I both love it and hate it.   I might have to try another one someday just to figure it out.

***amaretto Nice and almondy.

***bitter orange (orange amere) Much better than I expected.   Delicious, in fact.

***nutella I’m not a huge nutella fan, but these are good!

***peanut (cacahuette) these will be my replacement for Reeses peanut butter cups, when I get a craving.   Do you know how hard it is to find anything peanut butter related over here?

goody bags from cannes

I’ve been to Cannes once many years ago and frankly, I wasn’t all that impressed.   So even though I’m only about 50 minutes away, I haven’t been compelled to pay a second visit.   But it’s the Cannes film festival and I’d have to be some sort of full fledged agoraphobic (as opposed to the partial agoraphobic I am) to not go check it out.

The train ride is lovely.  After 15 minutes of riding through rolling hills , medieval villages perched on hills and vineyards, the train gets to the ocean, which is a deep teal blue, offset by coves and rocky outcroppings (slate/green and terracotta colors) and medieval villages clustered in coves along the shore.

There are armed police and military officers, all over the Gare de Cannes,  but other than that everything looks pretty normal.

The streets near the station are pleasant and almost Provencal, except for an occasional person with the tell-tale identity tag hanging around their neck rushing  by, cellphone clutched in white knuckled hand.  I figure they’re crew members, bloggers or actually working the festival or they’d be in limos or staying in a lavish hotel on the Croisette.

Once you hit the Rue d’Antibes, you’re in the Cannes zone.  From then on, it’s a bunch of fancy stores and restaurants that cater to “les trou du culs’ as one shop person put it. Up until now, I haven’t seen ONE Sephora in France, even in Paris.   In Cannes, there are two.   I know that says something deep and significant about the people who come to Cannes, but how can I concentrate when…ooooh, look!   Shiny!I watch an American woman drool to her significant other over a 350 Euro pair of flip flops in a window that look just like my $2.00 party flip flops I got at Old Navy except they have a Hugo Boss logo on them. which makes them worth 348.59 Euros more (approximately $495 US  as of today), apparently.   I’m starting to feel a little self conscious about my ON (Old Navy sounds classier as an acronym, don’t you think?) flip flops.

It appears that men over 5’7″ are not allowed in Cannes… (unless they’re locals on their way to their jobs serving men who are all 5’7″ or shorter).   They’re usually accompanied by woman teetering down the streets in their designer clown stilts preceded by their lips, boobs and an unpleasant whiff of eau de trying too hard.   It looks like a convention of Real Housewives here.

I know I’m getting near the Croisette by the shiny black cars lined up, security guards standing at attention, photographers and peasants lined up to look at anything that happens to be behind a barricade (especially if a red carpet is back there somewhere).Here, everyone is either speaking English or Italian, car horns are honking, photographers are everywhere.

I stand with the crowd, curious as to who might emerge from those guarded doors Then it hits me;  I’m in arguably one of the most beautiful strips of land in the world, and I’m looking at someone’s head who’s looking at someone else’s head who’s looking at someone else’s head who’s trying to get a glimpse of someone else’s head.

An hour or so later, I pry myself away from the still waiting crowd and cross the street.  Looking back several in case Johnny, Brangelina or whoever aren’t finally making their entrance.

But when I get to the beach side of the street, I only get glimpses of the water, sand or even the view because of all the tents, posters and crap blocking the view.  It kind of reminds me of Waikiki.  Or Waikiki Disney.   I wonder if Cannes gets this crazy when hosting a Dental Convention?   Do they plaster the Carlton Hotel (which is actually a very cool old building) with pictures of famous dentists?

Do poseur dentists wander the streets of this Americanized version of a quaint Mediterranean town and buy ridiculous stuff they can get anywhere at a higher price here just so they can say they got it in Cannes?

I find a nice stretch of blocked off road and stroll up the Croisette towards the castle, past the Palais des Festivals to get a look at the coast, which is stunning. Some photographers are snapping pictures of somebody launching a yacht for somewhere.   Pigs!   My iphone can’t get a clear picture of whoever it is from this distance.

I retreat to the quieter backstreets and find lunch for under 15 Euro (I’m splurging, it’s Cannes, forgodsakes).    I order aile de raie with lemon, butter and capers because I’ll eat anything with lemon, butter and capers.   It’s not the best aile de raie I’ve ever had, but it’s not bad with the lemon, capers and butter, and not at any point during the meal do I consider the possibility that the chef may be trying to poison me–always a plus.

After lunch, I stumble upon a macaron store.  Not a patisserie with a few macaron flavors, a macaron store.   This is the biggest assortment of macarons I’ve ever seen outside of Paris.     It even has ridiculous fois gras flavors (I’m sorry, that’s just wrong!!!).   And some of them have some kind of shiny almost glittery substance in the meringue portion of the cookie which in my opinion is gilding the lily.   But who cares?    They have the coveted beurre de sale (salted caramel), a flavor that has thus far has eluded me everywhere except Paris.   You know that feeling when you’re falling in love and you’re having this perfect moment that you never want to end?  Eating a properly made beurre de sale macaron is like that.   I also get a chocolate one, which is my “go to” flavor.   These two little gems will be my rewards when I get home.

Ooooh, they also have my favorite tea.   It’s ridiculously expensive, but it’ll really top off the macarons.

On my way back to the train station I find Maison du Chocolate tucked away in a quiet little spot off Rue d’Antibes and discover some of the biggest chocolate covered orange peels I’ve ever seen.  Not grotesque big, mind you.   That would be…well, grotesque.   Instead of twigs these are about 1/6 an orange peel each.

One of the many beauties of chocolate covered orange rinds is you can tell yourself they’re healthy.   Did you know the rind is where most of the nutrients are in an orange?  It’s the ultimate in being environmentally friendly by reducing waste, since what else was anyone on going to do with those orange peels?   They would have just become landfill.    So I pick up a couple of those in the name of sustainability.    Now I really can’t wait to get home.

The return trip is a little tense only because I have to be careful not to crush my delicate treasures.

So here I am, back in Vidauban.   I’m sipping my freshly brewed Mariage Freres Yuzu Temple tea with my Maison du Chocolate orange rind and Jean Luc Pele macarons, I ponder Cannes and the shallow, label loving, acquisitive, pleasure seeking hedonists who seem to gravitate to it.   I really don’t like the place at all.

I bite into the beurre de sale macaron and my eyes roll back in pure bliss.

I wonder if I’ll have time go back to Cannes later this week.

french zen

This afternoon I found myself stressing out because I forgot to pick up croissants at the market.   Just as I was considering the many reasons that this was the most devastating state of affairs that could possibly befall me, I snorted derisively and said to myself “eh, what the hell, it’s not like after today, there aren’t going to be any more croissants.”.

Then I went back to stressing about everything else.

four hours in purgatory

I have such a great time in Amsterdam, I’m almost hesitant to leave. Here I have friends. kids my emotional age to play with, people who speak English and wafflenstroopen…. But it’s time to face up to the horrible reality facing me.

Oh…wait. How horrible can reality be it if I’m going home to France?

Okay, horrible may be an overstatement. But reality can definitely be annoying on a European holiday. It’s Pentecost, which rumor has it, is a Christian thing. As a result, the trains are screwed up and running on a Sunday schedule which is an hour later than I anticipated. It’s crowded. And I have to transfer in Roosendale (wherever that is). Damn Christians!

This bald short jewelry wearing macho type jerk of a guy and his mildly less jerky friend with too much luggage enter the car. They put their luggage in the aisles, leaving no way for anyone to pass, and then sprawl out in the seats across from me and the nice quiet Belgian girl sitting next to me. The grosser of the two stretches out until his feet are nearly touching the bottom of my seat, legs spread so mine are trapped between his. I’m fuming. How dare this toad actually, he’s more like a banty rooster) take up everyone’s space with his huge enormous ego?

He talks loudly in what sounded like Greek, but is probably Russian to his friend and looks at his cellphone a lot. I hate him with the white hot passion of …I don’t know, but If my hatred could be converted to an alternative fuel source , it could fuel Manhattan for years (another career idea?)

The girl and I exchange several tortured glances.

When she gets off, I use the opportunity to storm off to another seat. Not that there’s much to choose from.

I end up sitting next to a slim American guy with a southern accent who reminds me a little of Edward Norton’s character in “Primal Fear”. It doesn’t help that he bears a strong resemblance to a guy I saw with one of the hookers in a red light district window the other day.

He says he’s from South Carolina, staying somewhere in Brittany for the next three months in some training program learning how to make better industrial tubing. He and his buddies decided to check out Amsterdam over the weekend,  but it was a little weird for him because he doesn’t smoke weed. His two buddies are sitting in he window seats across the aisle, giggling like Beavis and Butthead.

Sure he seems like a nice innocent kid from the south, but there’s something else going on here. Something dark and sinister and creepy.

Somewhere near the Belgium/France border I mentally shift from wondering how my seat mate will murder and rape me (probably in that order) to worrying about what fresh mess I’ll be returning to in Auvers.

What if the bamboo is dead?   Or the entire garden.   Did I turn off the stove?   I can’t remember if I heard the door click when I closed it…what if the door is open, the kitties escaped, the house got robbed and  the kitties got hit by a car or eaten by…whatever indiginous wild beasts reside in Auvers .   I spend the remainder of the trip in mourning.

After we pass the Chaponval stop, I press my face against the window so I can check and see if I can see the smoldering remains of the house when we get to Auvers.   I pray the gray lowing lying grey cloud-like objects aren’t the billowing flames from the house.

As we pull into, I can see the house seems to be standing.   But there are more potential horrors ahead.

I leap out of the train before it stops moving and sprint back to 29 Rue du Pois, not even checking to see if the patisserie is still open.   My hands are shaking as I open the gate.   I dash to the door, which is closed and locked.   The delphinium are blooming, the bamboo is fine and the kitties are waiting for me at the door.

A few moments later, Carole drops by with a piece of homemade cherry clafoutis she made.   Now, I’m in heaven.

a civilized afternoon tea

The plan for the day is to lay low, watch Jon Stewart reruns on the internet followed by a nap and a civilized afternoon cup of tea.    Which requires a pastry, of course.   I’m totally excited.

In order to put my plan into action, I must visit the patisserie.  I’m getting the same heady rush I used to get when I went to Barneys with a loaded credit card.

But when I reach the bakery, I see it’s dark and there’s a note on the door.   They’re taking the day off.   Merde!   I feel as though I’ve been punched in the stomach. This seems like a personal assault. My fabulous plans ruined by the snotty French bitches who run the bakery. I bet they closed for vacation just to spite me.   The injustice of it all washes over me in a tide of unspeakable woe.   It starts to rain and I look up to the heavens, cursing the powers that have thwarted my plans.     I want to collapse in a puddle of tears.   But I pull myself together.   I don’t need them.   I’ll show them.   I resolutely head towards the train tracks.

My gut says Pontoise is my best bet.   They’ve got patisseries up the wazzoo.

The monitor tells me the next train arrives in 28 minutes. Damn! Why am I constantly thwarted! In 28 minutes I could loose my nerve and go back home. I pace the platform. I stroll out into the parking lot. I study the railway map and schedules posted, I curse my fate.

Finally, the listing on the monitor flashes “l’approche”. Ten minutes later, I’m in Pontoise, studying the offerings at the Patisserie near the train station. I’m almost giddy with relief. Which makes choosing from the lavish selection all the more difficult. I’m a little gun shy after my recent Fraisette disaster, and realize that this decision could impact the rest of my pastry tasting career.

My eye keeps returning to the “assiette” which is a plate with an assortment of 8 little pastries for 6.50 Euros. No, I can’t. The average pastry is about E2.50, so spending E6.50 is outrageously self-indulgent and decadent. On the other hand, I’ve suffered immensely. Don’t I deserve a little extra something? And getting the assiette eliminates the risk of total disappointment. I’m positive there are at least four pastries there I’ll actually like. Also, if I divide the number of pastries I get into the cost, it’s actually way more cost efficient to buy the assiette. And lets not forget that I’m eating pastry for humanitarian purposes, after all. That clinches it.

For the sake of mankind I order the assiette s’il vous plait. Any guilt I may be feeling is overwhelmed by a pavlovian rush of endorphins. I tuck the box under my arm protectively and hurry back to the train station like an addict rushing home to cook up a fix. It’ll be so civilized. A nice cup of tea and a pastry tasting.

But when I get to the station, I’m thwarted again! 31 minutes until the next train to Auvers. I feel my rage building again, until I remember my precious cargo. Maybe I’ll have just one while I’m waiting.

I consider the options carefully. A tart is a no brainer, I know I’ll like it. On the other hand, something chocolatey might be in order. But there are only two chocolatey things, and I don’t want to waste one of them on a train platform.

The yellow one and the green glazed éclair with chocolate sprinkles are out, I’ve never tried either, so all my concentration will be required. The trick is to make sure a representative sample of all flavors remains when I get back to Auvers and am able to try them in an appropriate setting. Finally I settle on the strawberry tart.

I take a bite and I’m sure my eyes are rolling back in my head orgasmically. This is perfection. The cream is thick and slightly lemony and juuuuuuust right. The crust has a hint of almond in it and is perfect buttery flakey consistency. The Strawberries are more delicious than any strawberry I remember and the pistachio adds just the right kick. This has got to be better than sex.

As the taste wears off, I almost wish I could burp so I can taste it again.   I begin to worry. What if the other pastries in the box aren’t as good as this one? I don’t think I can take any more disappointment. I open the box and look at them. There’s no doubt about it…the lemon puffy one will definitely be as good as the strawberry tart. I definitely have that one to look forward to. So I might as well eat the Kiwi tart since I know what a tart tastes like and I don’t love Kiwis. I might as well get it out of the way.

The kiwi tarte isn’t as good as the strawberry, but it’s still delicious.

But now I want something chocolatey. 15 minutes until the next train. Maybe the chocolate choux looking thing. I’ve had a choux before so maybe it won’t require all my concentration. It’s light, with a slighty crisp, buttery shell. Two shells, the smaller one on top, both filled with a dense chocolate creamy custard filling. The beautiful frosting on top is almost overkill.  I think the pleasure is giving me blackouts because it seems like hours have passed, but when I check the monitor, it’s only been two minutes.

What will I do for the next 13 minutes? I might as well eat the raspberry tart. I’ve had a gazillion. I don’t need a tea ceremony for a raspberry tart. Would it be over dramatizing to say these raspberries are gifts from God?

Looking at the remaining chocolate pastry, I begin to worry that it needs refrigeration. God forbid it should go to waste, so I eat it immediately to save it. It’s something between a truffle, custard and ganache. With a cherry on top. Chocolate rushes through my veins. I leap up to check the monitor again…10 freaking minutes…I’d pace or jump up and down, but I don’t want to disturb the pastry.

Maybe I’ll have just one more. The Salumbo (the green éclair) is delicious, creamy and a delicate mélange of vanilla, pistachio with a slight crunch of chocolate. Pure heaven.

I decide it’s okay to eat the tan colored pastries since it’s not a very appetizing color. The cafe éclair is as light and creamy as tiramisu.

The one with powdered sugar and almond slices is filled with a dense, but very light hazelnut filling and the shell has just the right crisp to it. The French would describe it as “tendre.”

Finally the l’approche sign flashes and I jump up and race for the edge of the platform to watch the train roll in. I jump up and down in anticipation until I remember my pastry. I fearfully open the box and notice a ding in the one pastry left…the yellow one. Shoot, it’s ruined. Might as well eat it now.

As my teeth sink into it, my brain short circuits with pleasure…creamy…lemony…creamy…lemony…custardy…

I don’t remember getting on the train.  I get off at Auvers carrying an empty box and a smile.    Just in time for tea.

***

Embarking on a life of crime (how I went to Paris and fell in love…with French Pastry)

Lesley’s pastry guide (my useful guide to French Pastry, a work in progress)

pastry of the day (or as I like to call it, dinner)

Fraisette

This is one of those pastries that falls under the category of too much. Beautiful to look at, but not entirely satisfying.

It’s a very thin layer of white cake, a layer of strawberry jam, a layer of cream and a very thick layer of vanilla meringue. Then the whole thing is covered with cream frosting and the thinly sliced strawberries.

When I dug my fork into it, I was surprised at how hard it was to cut…I thought it would be some light fluffy concoction. The meringue (while delicate and delicious in the chocolate macaroon) was like a chunk of crispy, sweetened styrofoam or a huge cube of sugar.

I would have been perfectly happy just eating the bottom layers of cake, jam and one layer of cream frosting which was only a sixth of the entire confection.

Me no likee.

Fortunately, I bought what I thought was yogurt at the grocery store earlier and it turned out to be a delicious creamy dessert. Phew! Disaster narrowly averted.

embarking on a life of crime

Don’t ask me why I didn’t consult the weather report before getting on the train to Paris. Maybe it was destiny.

The plan was to start in the Canal St. Martin area in the 10th arrondissement. It’s supposed to be an up and coming neighborhood. From there I’d cut through the Marais, and cross the Seine to the 6th and 7th arrondisements (which is ideally where I’d like my future husband to have a pied de terre).

After a short sweaty walk down the Canal St. Martin I head for the Seine…maybe there’s a breeze there. There isn’t. Which leaves two options. Jump in the Seine or find a nice air-conditioned establishment to seek refuge from the imaginary global warming. The refuge just happens to be Dalloyau Patisserie. Here I will cool off, get something to drink and reassess my game plan.

In the Sex in the City version of my life, there would be a handsome Frenchman also seeking shelter in Dalloyau. It would just be him and me and the windows steaming up. We’d start to chat, the windows would steam up some more, maybe there’d be a hot pastry sharing scene followed by a thunderstorm. Of course, we’d run through the rain to his fabulous nearby pied du terre. That doesn’t happen. It’s just the pastries and me.

Since I have a short attention span and am easily distracted by bright, shiny objects, I immediately forget my game plan. Oooooo, pretty tart…pretty puffy thing with cream and berries…pretty chocolately square… Since I haven’t set foot into any sort of boutique for months, all my most shallow consumer cravings are bursting forth here and now and I’m not sure if I have the self control to stop them.

I’ve always been a little stand offish about French pastry. Sure, there’s your croissant, your tarts, your pan au chocolat, éclairs, panniers, beignets…all delicious. But there’s a whole world of pastry out there I’ve never tried. The custardy things with apricots on top, the huge chocolate bombs, the things that look like opaque green jello, the napoleons of many stripes. Frankly, I never thought I’d like them. Most of them look a little too gooey, too sweet, too much (although right now, I’m sure my life will never be complete without consuming each and every one of them).

It doesn’t help that I’m afraid of the women in the Auvers bakery. I pretty much buy my bread, catch a quick glance of the desserts out of the corner of my eye and get out of there. No hemming and hawing trying to decide between the cannonball sized snowball rolled in shaved dark chocolate, the tried and true fruit tart with plump perfect raspberries, the white creamy looking cakes with imbedded strawberries…nope, she’s giving me a dirty look…she’s gonna yell at me…’un bagette s’il vous plait…une Ooops, desolee, UNE bagette, s’il vous plait.’ I always wind up skulking out in shame.

The pastries here at Dalloyau look like jewels glimmering behind the glass. I get lost in them until reflexively, like a guilty dog, I look up at the woman behind the counter to see if she’s giving me a dirty look or about to smack me with a newspaper. She’s not. She’s smiling at me. I take this as a sign that fate brought me here for a bigger purpose than whatever my initial game plan was.

I should make it my business to try every pastry out there and write a thorough review. Sort of a verbal painting depicting the beauty of each pastry. I’ll be the like the Van Gogh of French Pastry description. If I try one pastry a day, I think I can still get every possible pastry in. There couldn’t be more than 90 french pastry varieties out there, could there?. I suppose if there are more, I’ll have to double up.

I know, it seems like an indulgence. A pastry a day can really add up. But it’s cheaper than lipgloss or a pack of cigarettes, both of which I’ve given up. And my efforts will serve mankind as a guide to what sort of pastries they may like and dislike. Yes, I’ll do it in the name of helping my fellow man navigate the intricate world of French pastry. And for art. Now that’s a lasting legacy.

Of course, the venture does involve critical risks. Like spending my hard borrowed money on deserts I may not even like (and where will that leave me when I crave something sweet and I blew my wad on some lavish frou-frou concotion that sickened me earlier?) And the capital risk is enormous considering that at this very moment, I only have 5 Euros. How will I afford a pastry AND get back to Auvers? And what about tomorrow? Will I be forced to beg for pastry? Will I become poor AND fat? Nobody feels sorry for a fat homeless person. Now I’m sweating out of pure stress.

But sometimes, you’ve just got to go for it. At least I know I won’t have to shoot myself in a field when my time here is up. I can just have a heart attack on my way up to the field. Nobody can say I didn’t consider all the angles.

I order a chocolate macaroon. A relatively safe bet being chocolate and only 3 Euros. Now, this isn’t your classic coconut cookie you think of in America. Not even close. It looks like a scooter pie. It’s two chocolate almond merinque cookies sandwiching a thick layer of dark chocolate ganache. I hold my breath and take a bite….ahhhhh, this is decadent.

It’s like the world’s biggest truffle, with a slightly crispy coating that crackles like a thin layer of ice and melts into the ganache. How could heroin possibly be more addictive than this? There’s that pure chocolate endorphin rush, but there’s also the taste…no, not just taste, it’s bigger than taste, it’s a feeling. It almost engulfs the brain. I’m in Paris and I’m eating the most chocolately delicious thing in the world and I’m soooooooooooo happy!

When I come to, I’m already wondering how when and where I’ll get my next fix. And do I really want to try those custardy things? Maybe I should limit myself strictly to macaroons. Seriously, I haven’t even dented the surface of macaroons. There are caramel, coffee, vanilla, strawberry, green ones, chocolate noisette.…

No, that would be the cowards way out. I must explore the entire pastry realm. But damn, I could go for another chocolate macaroon right now. Maybe I should marry a Patisserier. I nonchalantly check the back kitchen of Dalloyau to see if Mr. Right is back there. He’s not. I guess that would just be too easy.

I gather my remaining two euros, thank the girls behind the counter profusely and step out out into the torture chamber. I was going to walk back to Gare du Nord and save myself the Metro fare but I forgot how hot it is. I fear I’ll become one of those elderly woman heatwave death statistics if I do. And how tragic would it be to die after experiencing such happiness only an hour before? On the other hand, perhaps THAT’s my destiny. Nahhhh. The metro entrance is about 50 yards away.

As I walk briskly toward my train, I don’t even notice all the handsome men I’m sure must be checking me out. I’m deep in thought, ticking off my options methodically. I hope I could be mistaken for a high powered businesswoman (wearing “don’t socra-tease me” toenail polish) making a career altering decision as she rushes to her train for the burbs. Nobody has to know what I’m really thinking: “I could try the chocolate cannonball next, but maybe I should try something fruitier. Or would it be smarter to bite the bullet and get one of those things that look like jello with berries out of the way. Hey, there’s probably something for two Euros at the bakery in Auvers.”

I jump the turnstiles and head for my train.

***

Read David Lebovitz’s compilation of all things macaron, including recipes.