I haven’t been to New York in over six years. Going there in the dead of winter with a broken foot probably wasn’t my wisest decision. Doing it during record cold and snowstorms, well, what can I say? I’m an idiot.
When I get to my friend and host, Debbie’s apartment she’s on the phone with her 18 year old son,Rex, who is away at college. She tells him she’s giving Dante (their dog) an M&M (she isn’t). Rex’s response comes booming from the little iphone: “DON’T give the dog chocolate, it will kill him!!!!!”
Apparently, now that Rex is a college man they practice this ritual in many of their phone calls,. It’s called long distance button pushing. I’m familiar with the practice. I do it to my mother all the time, except in our case, I’m the tormenter. Just replace “I’m feeding the dog an M&M” to “Hold on a sec, I’m lighting the bong” or “I’m putting a glass of water on the coffee table without a coaster.”
Debbie has been my partner in crime ever since we met at Scali, McCabe Sloves, an ad agency where we were copywriters 20 years ago (or so…I don’t have the heart to do the actual math). We first met while waiting for our shared art director in her (the Art Director’s) office. We chatted as I watched Debbie open the drawer, take out a tampax, open the tampax, free the tampon from its cardboard applicator and color the cotton with a red magic marker. When we gave up and left the office, Debbie casually tossed the now red tampon on the Art Director’s chair. At that moment, I knew we’d be friends for life. We’ve been saying, doing and laughing at inappropriate things together ever since. We’ve been ROFL before it became an acronym.
So here I am in NYC, at Debbie’s with a broken foot, snow all over the ground and frightening ice patches everywhere. I had originally planned to see friends, wander around Manhattan and revive my materialistic longings with window shopping in Soho. Not gonna happen. The sidewalks terrify me. We decide to stay in, order Chinese and watch the Olympic opening ceremonies.
After dinner, right around the time the teams enter to wave their country’s flags, we break into the Lindt Chocolate bars she had purchased for my arrival.
Naturally, Dante comes over to investigate what we’re eating.
I don’t know exactly whose idea it was, or how it happened, but the following series of text messages transpires. Whether it’s inappropriate or not, you’ll have to decide. So far, the comments have ranged from blank looks, to hysterical laughter to wondering how much therapy Rex will need.
8:20PM (to Rex)
8: 23PM Rex: stop, you monster
8:24PM Deb: what? do you think the hot pepper flavor is too spicy for him?
8:30PM Rex: You are sooooooooo LAME
8:40PM (to Rex)
Deb: Oops. You were right.
In the end, I didn’t accomplish a lot in NYC. Nonetheless, t can leave knowing that I got everything I possibly could out of the once in a six-year visit. My work here is done.
No animals were harmed in the making of this post. Rex is another story.