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my triumphant return to new york

IMG_6684I haven’t been to New York in over six years.   Going there in the dead of winter with a broken foot probably wasn’t my wisest decision.  Doing it during record cold and snowstorms, well, what can I say?   I’m an idiot.

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Rex Bennett

When I get to my friend and host, Debbie’s apartment she’s on the phone with her 18 year old son,Rex, who is away at college.   She tells him she’s giving Dante (their dog) an M&M (she isn’t).   Rex’s response comes booming from the little iphone:   “DON’T give the dog chocolate, it will kill him!!!!!”

Apparently, now that Rex is a college man they practice this ritual in many of their phone calls,.   It’s called long distance button pushing.  I’m familiar with the practice.   I do it to my mother all the time, except in our case, I’m the tormenter.  Just replace “I’m feeding the dog an M&M” to “Hold on a sec, I’m lighting the bong” or “I’m putting a glass of water on the coffee table without a coaster.”

Debbie has been my partner in crime ever since we met at Scali, McCabe Sloves, an ad agency where we were copywriters 20 years ago (or so…I don’t have the heart to do the actual math).   We first met while waiting for our shared art director in her (the Art Director’s) office.   We chatted as I watched Debbie open the drawer, take out a tampax, open the tampax, free the tampon from its cardboard applicator and color the cotton with a red magic marker.   When we gave up and left the office, Debbie casually tossed the now red tampon on the Art Director’s chair.   At that moment, I knew we’d be friends for life.   We’ve been saying, doing and laughing at inappropriate things together ever since.   We’ve been ROFL before it became an acronym.

So here I am in NYC, at Debbie’s with a broken foot, snow all over the ground and frightening ice patches everywhere.   I had originally planned to see friends, wander around Manhattan and revive my materialistic longings with window shopping in Soho.  Not gonna happen.  The sidewalks terrify me.   We decide to stay in, order Chinese and watch the Olympic opening ceremonies.

After dinner, right around the time the teams enter to wave their country’s flags, we break into the Lindt Chocolate bars she had purchased for my arrival.

Naturally, Dante comes over to investigate what we’re eating.

I don’t know exactly whose idea it was, or how it happened, but the following series of text messages transpires.   Whether it’s inappropriate or not, you’ll have to decide.  So far, the comments have ranged from blank looks, to hysterical laughter to wondering how much therapy Rex will need.

8:17PM (to Rex) IMG_1272

8:20PM (to Rex)

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8: 23PM Rex:  stop, you monster

8:24PM   Deb:   what?   do you think the hot pepper flavor is too spicy for him?

8:27PM (to Rex)IMG_1290Deb:   not to worry, I’m giving him the heimlich.

8:30PM  Rex:   You are sooooooooo LAME

8:35PM (to Rex)IMG_1294Debbie:   I’m giving him mouth to mouth.   tastes like chocolate.

8:40PM (to Rex)

IMG_1298Deb:   Oops.   You were right.

In the end, I didn’t accomplish a lot in NYC.   Nonetheless, t can leave knowing that I got everything I possibly could out of the once in a six-year visit.   My work here is done.

No animals were harmed in the making of this post. Rex is another story.

an inconvenient truth

view of alps from antibes 11/2012

View of Alps, mid-November 2012

alps from antibes november 2013

View of Alps, mid-November 2013

One of my favorite things about living here, is being able to step out on the balcony and see the port, across the bay to Nice with the Alps looming majestically in the background.    There are still moments when I gasp at the shock of its beauty.

However, lately that gasp has been tinged with a wee bit of concern.  Last year, there was already snow up there in September.   It’s now mid-November, and as you can see, nothing.  Maybe Al Gore is right about this whole global warming thing.

If that’s true, the way I figure it, pretty soon (less than a millennia), Antibes is going to be unbearably hot.  OMG, August is going to suck so bad.   Hell, if the ice caps melt, it could be underwater!   Well, I suppose that would solve the tourist problem.

No, this is very inconvenient.   If all the evidence bears out, I figure I’ve only got about 300 years to find a new place to live.

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